Me still figuring out life

Where do I begin?! I guess I begin with where I am now. It looks like I made it out. Looks like my life is great. I have an amazing husband, two kids, a beautiful house with a pool and we drive great cars. I have faith and attend church regularly. But why am I not happy? What am I missing? Why aren’t things perfect in my mind? Why can’t I get out of my head and get out of my own way? Well one answer is I don’t have a career. I’m in my 40s and I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. Well have I grown up? I use to think yes but as I’m learning about myself more and more. I am more screwed up then I thought. I am a survivor. Most of my life has been about just getting by getting through the bad and the ugly, or as I call it the awful and disturbing! Well it’s seems I’m safe and I’m secure so why am I still just surviving? Well that’s the question. Thats where I’m at in life.  Stuck. Stuck between letting go of all the past and all the pain and all the hurt so that I can just move on and enjoy life to the fullest. The way God intended and the way my husband thrives for me to be. Because its hard that’s why. Because I keep making the same mistakes. I’m usung the same dumb logic I’ve always used and let my history dictate all my decision making. So how did I get here? Well that’s where it gets almost entertaining if you didn’t have to live it….